scared silly

I still have night mare of being deported. Without reason, or okay, it would be a reason I am not British Citizen. 

Anyway, every seconds, every moments, I felt scared in here, every time in here is survival game.

Yesterday I felt awful cause I found myself is too small and he is way better than me. Haha, jealous? yes! frustrated? 100%!

I CANNOT GET OVER I AM NOTHING IN HERE. Why I decided to come here? why? for what? for whom? for how? I don't know, I do not know, I've still lost my way. 

I was quite confident, positive, outgoing, quite sure about myself before. When I was Korea, I was quite good, promising young journalist. But now? A awkward who even can't speak, write well. 

I want to write, say out, report whatever I see, whatever I listen, but now, I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing.